Have you ever?

Have you ever encountered such feelings?
Unhappy, disappointed, disgusted, crushed?

Did your breathing turn shallow?

Did your throat start to constrict?

Did your hands start turning numb?

Did the chilliness of your bone shocked you to consciousness?

Did your mouth turned so dry, that you can start peeling the dry skin off your lips?

Devil Of Greediness

I was walking with my mum to a neighbour's house to feed her fishes, as the house owner is away for a period of 6 months. My mum has been entrusted with the responsibility to ensure that the fishes are well fed and that they remain alive and healthy when the owner returns. You might be thinking "Wow.. your mum would have to clean the tank, and all sorts then". Well, the owner actually breed fishes in this huge flower pot which houses a lotus-flower like plant... For aesthetic purpose, and also to ensure that no worms, or germs, or even mosquitoes will breed in the pot, as these fishes feed on anything.

It was a sunny-cum-cloudy morning.. As i squat by the pot looking at the fishes clamouring for the fish feed, I realise it's always the survival of the fittest, or rather "May the best one wins". You would notice that the bigger and more agressive fishes will always win the upper hand, as they will be the first to rush to the food source, and practically devour everything before the other fishes even get a whiff of the fish feed.

This is indeed a mirror of what is happening with people nowadays. Everyone is always always dreaming of new and innovative ways to find more, do more, and gain more. This is regardless of its application towards one's personal life or working life. It's not wrong voicing what you want and fighting tooth-and-nail to get it, because your needs is all that matters.

But, has it ever crossed your mind that sometimes, we, humans are just plain greedy? That we are sometimes so aggressive, that it turns out to be a zero-sum game... It's your survival against the others.

How do you justify that XXX is enough for me, and that I should leave the balance to others?
Or should I just grab hold of everything in my line of sight; just because I think I deserve it?

How do I know if I am crossing the line towards the dark side... the Devil of Greediness

For this one time, I wished that there is a SOP..

Balance

It is difficult to strike a balance, especially when your interest is at stake. I am expected to act ignorant to certain misalignment in this balance; even though my interest is clearly jeopardized. My question is: Why should I do this when other people are already having the upper hand, and I'm obviously at the losing end?

It's too hard for me to swallow the "just close one eye and you'll be fine" excuse. And when I kick up a fuss over such misalignment, I am accused of being too calculative.Why should I be subjected to such treatment, when everyone is supposed to be treated equally?

I am not asking to be showered in Van Cleef & Arpel jewelleries, Hermes Birkin bags, Manolo Blahnik's heels, a designer-exclusive wardrobe which changes with every season.

I only want to be treated FAIRLY.

Why so complicated??

Technologies are supposed to make things simple for people to see, to understand, to decipher.. .Sadly, the reverse is practised. Never have I been so confused with my documentations, and it's shocking to know that it's not a reliable document for you to rely on. Why? That's because the document is customised in a way that it benefits only the organization and not the staffs.

You are supposed to be vigilant and do your monthly due diligence; as the organization does not think that it's important enough to provide a format which is beneficial to both parties.

What is wrong??

What to do for the weekend?

I have a long list of overdue things which MUST be accomplished by this weekend:

1) Get a haircut
- I missed my deadline to get a haircut, and its length now is sufficient to drive me up the wall every morning. I have to struggle to comb my hair, and to make it look presentable enough to walk on the streets without being called a "crazy lady"
- Updates: Got it cut... I am hugely relieved... now, I do not have to worry when a gust of wind blows.. Cos I don't have to start raking my fingers through my hair, in order to keep it looking presentable
2) Facial
- I have been wanting to do an egg white mask on my face, but never seem to get around doing that. Yes, it's slimy, and it takes ages to dry up, but for the sake of whipping my skin into a better state... egg white, here I come!
- Updates: Did not have enough time to perform the egg white facial. But, I did manage to stick on the Watsons brand-blackhead-remover nose sticker

3) Bag
- I sent my bag for repair, and was told that the turnaround time for repair is 3 months. I was already doing a countdown to D-Day when I will get my hands on the bag. But, I got a pleasant surprise today, when they notified me via SMS that the bag has been repaired, and it's ready for collection. Yippee... Will head over to the outlet to pick my bag up tomorrow =)
- Updates: Got it back from the shop.. Looks as good as brand new and the zipper is working fine.. yiiippeeee!

4) Scour the shopping malls
- It's the Mega Sales season now.. The best time to a shopping marathon... just to check out what are the good deals in the market. Even if I end up with no purchases, it would be good exercise for my legs
- Updates: Ho Ho Ho.. I finally managed to buy 2 pairs of black pants.. And i specificaly emphasized on the number: 2 because I don't usually go berserk with my purchase and buy more tha one pants in the same color. I have been scouring the malls for past 2 years trying to get one which fits as the sizes are usually either too big or too small for me (Ie. If the waist fits, the legs don't and vice-versa). Hence, I enarly leapt in joy, when I finally found 2 pairs which fitted me like a pair of gloves.. woohoo!

5) Hit the road
- I've not been jogging for quite sometime, Will need to put in the extra effort to hunt for my exercise gear and go pound the pavement. With the hot and hazy weather, I've had very good excuse to not go for a jog. But, the tightness at my legs when I try to fit into my favorite jeans tells me otherwise... OMG.. I've put on weight!! =(
- Updates - No, I did not have a chance to do that.. Got back home late in the afternoon, and by the time I got to the mall, it was nearing evening.. (after navigating through the horrendous traffic, picking up my bag). And by the time I'm done with my shopping errands, the sun is starting to set, as I spent a great deal of time, trying to locate my parking lot, in the maze-like building)
Of course, I don't run my errands alone.. I always do it with my beloved Sister who is ever so accomodating with all the near-impossible requests and demands which I have...

J.. Thank you OH-SO-VERY-MUCH.. Love ya, sis.... =)
 Oh well, seems like a busy week, but am really looking forward to it...

How do you feel to be accused?

How would you feel if you are accused of doing something without informing all those involved; even though you have been instructed to keep quiet on this planned event?
Would you stay still, plaster a smile on your face, and graciously accept the blame being heaped on you; even though you did no wrong?
Would you back off into a corner when someone complains that you reply too long to a superior's email; even though you feel it's necessary to make an explanation?

This was what happened to me today, in the evening. And please, even if you are unhappy with the way things are being done, I don't think there's a need to make accusations and try to push the blame onto me. And, there's no need to compare past practice against the current practice. No point harping on that, as that is not how the company operates right now.

Trying to show as if I am so not knowledgable about my own role; and that the previous PIC is more superior than me AND to air the dirty laundry in public...Come on... if you had calmly pulled me aside and asked for a private 1-to-1 clarification, I would have gladly agreed to it. But the moment you crossed the line of professionalism, sorry.... I am not the spineless kind of person who would just swallow whatever shoved to me. I have done no wrong, and would not back down.

What is wrong with these people? Can't they even try to understand things from a different perspective? Different point of view?

Am I socially inept?

Anything wrong with being an introvert? You cannot equate an introvert = socially incapacitated.

 I stutter, I stammer, I am shy around people, I do not display aggressiveness among people I am not familiar with, I prefer reading to talking, I prefer staying home to going out, I prefer solitude to noise...

I am a natural introvert and have always try to improve my less-to-be-desired social skills. I thought I have improved... but the situations and glances tells me otherwise.

What is happening to me??